Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
