I am puke
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.