I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
