drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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