He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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I fill condoms, not promises.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance