You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
