I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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