so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
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Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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