Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
