I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
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I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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