Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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