Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
