My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
