I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
