Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
