i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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