so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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