Will you blow on my dice?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
