Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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