I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
