Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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