I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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