if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Randomize
