Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
