I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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