i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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