FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
