I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
