I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
