I feel great
I just peed on a car
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
