the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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