I cannot find my penis.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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