Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize