My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
