Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail