So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
