he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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