he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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