Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i've created a new STD.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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