she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
