i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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