Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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