My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
