Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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