I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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