can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
