In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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