Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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