I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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