I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
