ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize