why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
