Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
