I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
