They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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