he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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