I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
