shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Someone shattered a urinal.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
