people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
